I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Livid.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours