If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Woke up against my better judgement again
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman