My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I thought this was funny lol
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me