The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Dune (2021)