Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that