I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart