Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”