When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.