Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.