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Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Jokes on them. I took 10.