Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous