Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.