CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period