my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”