Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
War & Peace
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Who did it better?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER