they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
nature’s most graceful animal
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Wikigenius
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
me as a parent
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio