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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Guilty! 🤪
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.