Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Am I having a stroke?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I wish I were this cool 😂
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Monday
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.