The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Spider-cat: No One Home
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
was Jim off killing horses or…
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”