One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.