saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
You Might Also Like
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Just me and my debit card against the world
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.