who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.