I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it