Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die