Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies