My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes