Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m giving up ice.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.