Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.


Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.


“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows


Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese