The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew