I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I’m tired tomorrow.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Breaking news:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*