I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet