Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Shower sex be like:
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.