*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.