I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.