If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

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Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*


“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors


HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.


“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”


“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis


One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.


No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else


Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks