If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If you know, you know 😂🚔