@Goofpoops
@XplodingUnicorn Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@QwertyJones3 “I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
@clichedout HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
@Fred_Delicious “Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
@huntigula “I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
@neat_hot There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
@jacanamommy One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
@FuzzyDuck17 No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
@noneofyours99 Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
@WilliamAder Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?