Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
me after drinking all the wine:
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup