Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I bet
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!