Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The glockness monster