Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
![]()
You Might Also Like
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
![]()
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
![]()
![]()
![]()
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
everyone has that one prude friend
![]()
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.