Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted