Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
is this a warning or an offer?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*