#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
New mindset, who dis?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology