I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious