Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
At least my masseuse has my back.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Have a lovely day 😊