Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My new favorite headline
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣