Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
That’s classic.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert