Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
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NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
The Backseat Boys
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My last name is Zilla.