My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
how was your vacation
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”