My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police