*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.