There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
This week’s mood.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*