There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”