*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”