People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks